Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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