i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
