she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
