my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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