Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Randomize
