Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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