How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
