Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
