Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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