Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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