so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
