alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
