I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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