i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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