Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
