there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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