Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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