my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
