My first STD was from a foam party
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
