I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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