You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
