uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
