"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
