So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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