You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
