So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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