your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
