so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
