Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
