What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
