She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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