If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
