So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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