They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
