Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
one might say we're banned from that church
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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