Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
