two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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