Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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