I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
