You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
