i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
