I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
