It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
