you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
