You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
