Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
