I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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