dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
