Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
