I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
